Ditch Your Itchy Bottom

by Shelley White

Pruritus ani’s the medical term
When your anus has an itch
There are lots of different causes
But it’s hard to find out which -

Is causing you to scratch your bum,
Get your knickers in a twist
It’s ever so embarrassing
And a struggle to resist.

If you didn’t wipe your bum too well
After going to the loo
Then your bottom just might get inflamed
By reacting to ‘number two’.

Do you have a fungal infection?
Or perhaps a bout of thrush?
These germs like moist, warm areas
Especially round your ‘tush’.

Sexually transmitted diseases,
Scabies, herpes or warts
Are various other infections
Your anus may support.

Do you have an anal fissure?
That’s a painful little crack
Or, heaven forbid, a haemorrhoid
Has made a bum attack?

Some soaps, creams or perfumes
Are often irritants
And those egg-laying threadworms
Can be devils in your pants.

If you’re not sure just why you itch
It’s best to see the doc
He’ll rule out all known causes
By examining your bot.

There’s steroid cream for eczema
Antifungal cream for thrush
You may be given medicine
To give threadworms the push.

Antibiotics help infection
But if you have a painful ‘pile’
Or nasty anal fissure
Treatment could take a while.

It’s a common situation
That there’s no obvious cause
So think ‘hygiene’ when you scratch
Make sure you’ve got clean paws.

Stop using scented soap on ‘it’
Or coloured toilet tissue
Wipe gently with a moistened cloth
After you’ve done a poo-poo.

Make sure that there’s no faeces left
Or your skin could feel quite raw
Wash only with plain water
Dry gently so it won’t get sore.

Try using a hair dryer
If you’ve hairy anal skin
But never in the bathroom -
Electric shock could do you in.

When your bottom’s fully dry
Wear loose cotton knicks
Try not to get too hot
Or your bot may start its tricks.

Try your utmost not to scratch -
You’ll make that darned itch worse
Keep those fingernails short -
If you scratch too hard you’ll curse!

Soothing cream or ointment
May be recommended
Your rear end will be peachy
And itchy botty ended.