Who Did That? It Wasn't Me!

by Shelley White
^{(creative writers at www.morewriting.co.uk)}
Ever been caught out breaking wind?
Passing air has caused offence?
You couldn't manage to hold it in?
The technical term's 'flatulence'

Sometimes you cannot help yourself
Unwanted farts begin
Just remember these wise words
'It's better out than in!'

But if you are in company
You can always take your leave
So strange noises or pungent smells
Don't cause your friends to heave.

Way back in nineteenth century France
The star 'Il Petomane'
Performed in theatres here and there
This was his claim to fame -

He liked to entertain the crowds
So taught himself an art
The people were amazed to hear
That, at will, he could fart!

'I can do a trick like that -
It's easy' you may think
But don't forget your neighbours
'Cause you may cause a stink.

The reason we break wind you know
Holds no mystery
Listen very carefully
You'll learn some chemistry.

When we swallow food or drink
We can't help gulping air
This causes people's guts
To have some gas in there.

90% is nitrogen
The remainder's carbon dioxide
There's hydrogen and methane too
And sometimes hydrogen sulphide.

It's the sulphur in the gas
That makes the nasty smell
Men it's said produce the most
While girls' is hard to quell!

Do you crave those mushy peas?
Adore your beans on toast?
Though healthy these and most root veg
Will make you fart the most.

Did you spend time on the toilet?
Leave an odour in the loo?
Try opening the window
So that others won't say 'Pooh!'

To minimise a noisy rear
Don't gulp your food then swallow
Avoid big plates of gassy food
Sweet silence then should follow!