Hi I stumbled onto this site by accident and I am so glad I did. Although I am so sorry and sadend to see that so many people feel like this and wish with all my heart that they get better soon as I know how terrible this is, I am comforted by the fact that I am not alone (I really don't mean that in a bad way). I have been feeling like I am going crazy and everyone around me is sane. I have had depression for four years on and off and am on my third day of being back on anti depressants again. I just feel like this is a never ending story and will I ever get better and feel good and be really happy again or will I just have to grin and bare it and keep up the pretense and the mask I grudginly put up in public. I can't take this anymore. I get over the depression, get myself and my life back on track and then out of nowhere it returns and pulls me down into the blackness and I wish with all my heart I could take it away. Like if your not well and you need an operation, they take the bit thats bad for you away, how much easier would it be if you could do that for depression.
I am tired so so tired of this constant battle to live with this. I just wanna feel like me again, I used to be so happy and bubbly (to the outside world I still am) but its all an act and I am so tired of the pretense. I don't wanna fight with myself or my feelings anymore. I don't wanna dread goin to bed because I know I won't be able to sleep so I stay up till 7am until I'm shattered and then go to bed only to find that the only thing that is tired is my body and my mind is still wide awake! I don't wanna dread waking up in the morning to face another day of this hell. I sometimes wish that I could take my brain out for a day (if that makes any sense) just so I can get some piece. I don't wanna be scared anymore, scared of my feeling like this, scared of being in groups of friends, scared of leaving my house alone (which bizarly doesn't bother me if I am with someone, but its really not that helpful as I live alone), scared of people finding out that I wear this mask, scared of people thinking that I have completely lost the plot, scared of looking stupid, scared of being laughed at, scared of being talked about, scared of being hurt, scared of living.
I have had depression on and off many times in the four years I have had it and have lost count in the amount of times I have been on anti depressants, but why oh why does it get harder to deal with ever time it hits you, or is it just me, am I so weak that I can't fight this and everyone else can? I over think things, over explain myself, over react and really really feel like I am going mad!! My brain has never been so overactive (if I was like this in school I would have been a genius by now). I can't take it and I am soooo sick of the whole situation. I am constantly dreading something happening (what I have no idea), I used to be a really happy optamistic person and now if something good happens I am like, yeah wonder how long it will take till that turns to crap...oh look it just did. I can't help it I even hate the way this sounds as I am typing it I just wanna scream at myself get over it!!! But it won't go away :cry: Does anyone really and truely get over this or is it something that just hangs over you for the rest of your life, because I can't take this. I just want to feel normal again and happy. I don't want to feel like I am alone and some kind of freak because no one around me understands, I don't want to feel parranoid anymore or filled with dread. This is the worst thing I have ever experinced and I wish I could rip it out of me and stamp on it because I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm tired of the fight :cry: [quote:d47714d9a0][/quote:d47714d9a0]