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2nd bout of depression

  1. A very good morning Ja, Stiltman and anyone else reading here :D

    Aches and pains eased off quite considerably and I'm back off to work today. See if I can manage a full day this time lol.

    Ja, define what happiness to you is.

    The text you received might have upset you (got you thinking again) but trust me - it will also make you stronger.

    Good news about the gym - both my daughters attend a gym 3 times a week :shock: moi? Gosh, I'd keel over just getting my gym gear on lol.

    They do say exercise helps the mind aswell as the body - so go for it! :D

    Hope I'm right in thinking (reading between your lines) that you are already feeling a little stronger and more determined. Good for you - I admire the fight in you. :D Keep going - don't stop!

    Each day you will grow stronger (yes, you will have the down days) but with your newly required strength that keeps growing and growing, you will overcome this demon.

    Oh well! No rest for the wicked - time to get ready for work. To be honest I could do with a few more days just to gain some energy back but the guilt would drown me. :oops:

    Have a great day both of you.

    Melbi x

  2. Hi Melbi,

    Hope your 1st day back at work goes off well for you, really I do, let me know how your day goes.

    Right, define happiness, everything opposite to what my life is now !!!! Im kidding, there are so many things i would love to change about my life. Here goes: Im not saying that materials and possessions or even people make me happy. I hate living at my parents so i would love my own place, i dearly miss my my babies, yet i accept that i cannot hav ethem full time. Id love to meet a special person again, love and be loved, all is achievable but at the moment everything seems so dark. Thing is that nothing is gauranteed in life and i must be able to cope when things arent going right or go tits up, thats my main objective of this meeting on thursday, Melbi, im seriously considering medication, i so dont want to but today i woke up and had that feeling in my gut, like a dull pain, i felt so down, drove to work expressionless. I know they wont make me happy, but i cant continue living like this. I adore my kids but i have no money to take them out weekend, i can take them to the park etc but i have to spend time in at parents and it destroys me, even now im dreading it and its only monday. I just see no end to this cycle, it goes on and on. Thing is that in real terms my situation hasnt changed that great a deal since say early sept, i didnt feel no where near as down but i had a taste of happiness again and the fall out is awful. I do get my brief times where i feel positive and want to do things but most of the time i just wish i could sleep, at least then im not in the real world. Better shut up, anyone reading this will probably feel pissed off .......

    Melbi, let me know how your day goes, and Stilman, hope you are ok mate

    ja

  3. Hi :D

    Well I managed a full day at work lol. Aches and pains not too bad :shock:

    Ja, there is nothing wrong with taking the AD's, I stayed on them for the recommended time noted by my GP (6 months) by the end of that period I felt ready to 'go it alone'. I have had a few 'slip ups', but thnkfully each time I managed to drag myself back to ----- to what? Calmness, contentment etc.

    Unlike you, my bout of depression brought on last February was due to several family circumstances all happening at once and I just cracked under the pressure. Thankfully things have started to return to 'normal' again ---- normal? Well as things used to be plus a new addition to the family. :D

    Your like will move on too Ja, to a point you know you are ready to 'go it alone', but until then, why struggle by not taking the AD's?

    Go for it Ja, right now you need all the help you can get - you deserve to take that help, so take it with both hands.

    Once your life is on some sort of track that you feel is ok for you, you will then start to feel better.

    Battery dying on laptop and dinner needs checking :shock: so will have to stop there.

    Stay strong my dear friend

    Melbi xxx

  4. Hi Melbi & JA

    JA, there's nothing wrong with taking the AD's if they are going to help you. It's not a failure to admit you need some help at the moment and if the pills can do that, then why not? Seriously, as I've posted before somewhere we all seem to judge ourselves for more harshly than others do, or, indeed than we would judge others.

    I'd be willing to bet that if friends and family need or needed our help, for years we've been the first in line to do that. To be accepting of others weaknesses, put those aside and still extend a helping hand where we are able to offer help, friendship or support.

    So why are we so damn' tough on ourselves?? Why do we always assess ourselves in the cruelest possible way. Pick apart what we we have said and done; achieved and contributed and see only failure and disappointment.

    When I find out the answer, I promise to share it. Please do likewise if you find it first. :roll:

    So after that ramble, JA mate, just take whatever help and support is offered and available. And give the gym a go. I can't say I love it but it has given me a bit of a routine back and helped me lose the weight I put on with the help of the Mirtazapine!

    Melbi, glad you enjoyed being back at work aches and pains excepted. Take it easy though and give yourself plenty of time to rest as a bout of the flu can be extremely debilitating if you try to do to much too soon.

    God, I sound like my mother! :oops: :oops:

    Take care my friends.

    Best regards.

  5. Melbi , Stilman,

    Well 2 days to go for me, I dont really know what to expect? I suppose Im looking for some magic words or a promise that my mood will lift, in reality I know that wont happen, when I took the 1 tablet back in August, god I felt rough for a couple of days, really dont want that again, I need to address so much in my life, can these people really say or do things that make you cope? what worries me is that if I take the AD's Im papering over the cracks and not dealing with the issues that cause me to feel like this. I appreciate that depression is a medical condition, but I dont want to be reliant on them every time my mood dips?

    Life never runs smooth, what I need is to be able to cope better when it doesnt, take dissapointments and bad news better, am I asking the impossible? do I need drugs to cope ? I realy hope I dont, in the past I have used alcohol, and I believe that this has contributed alot to my mood swings. I have always been moody, just part of my make up, but I think in my adult life I have used drink to life me, saying that its only in last few years that I have had big swings.

    One thing which sort of puzzles me is that if certain things were to be different in my life then I would not be feeling the way I do now, say Iin September this year, I was fine, really I felt good about life, yes I had worries, but because certain things in my life were good I could handle them, living at my parents didnt bother me like it does now etc, even if the house had gone, I was realistically looking at 2009 at their place, thats what makes me think I will never solve these mood swings, as problems do arise and how do I stop the descent into these downers as my mum calls them. I dont know if you are like me but Im really impatient, I want things to happen so quickly, like I want everything to be sorted now, not in 6 months.

    Have you ever visited a CPN before or know anyone who has? do you know what the process is and the likelihood of what will happen?

    Im at work so had better go, Melbi, hope you 2nd day at work goes just as well and you are fine, and Stilman, thanks my friend, so much of what you say is so true of my thinking.

    ja

  6. Hi JA, hope you're doing OK.

    Yes, I have visited a CPN after referral by my GP. If your experience is similar, he/she will go through with you a lot of personal stuff (some of it may be a bit uncomfortable) looking to ascertain the root cause and trigger of your depression, how you've responded to drugs etc with a view to building a picture of your current mental state.

    As you know what triggered your depression, this may be more straitforward for you than it was for me as there is no obvious reason for mine :roll: .

    Hopefully, they will then be able to suggest different strategies and/or treatment options to improve your mood, help you tackle your issues and generally, try to help your coping strategies so you can deal with things differently in future. Maybe without the bottle or the pills?

    Guy I saw was totally upfront with me, said he didn't think he could help me and referred me to a psychiatrist directly.

    My advice? Go for it with an open mind mate. The guy I saw was a decent, honest man - no rubbish or psychobabble. You have nothing to lose and (fingers crossed) much to gain.

    I'm sure your family and friends wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. Me and Melbi are cheering for you too! :zen:

    Best regards.

  7. Hi Stilman,

    Thanks for your last post, really , it gives me some sort of idea of what I am walking into tomorrow, out of interest how longs does it last, or does it depend on how it goes??

    Yes i do know what triggers these depressive moods, Stilman, Im a very open and honest person, so i feel comfortable opening up, I went for a long walk lunchtime , had to go to bank, anyway, as usual I was thinking about life, and what alot of my issue is that I think about and miss times when life was at its best, I pine for those times, miss them and they upset me when I look at my life now, I think of how good it was and how bad it is now, these thoughts and emotions lead to me feeling downer and downer and the spiral happens. I remember when I 1st split fom my wife I couldnt even go into the town where we lived, all i could think of was her and could see us , it was the same in the supermarket we used to go to, im fine now, still think of how it was but it doesnt affect me that much.

    Im not a tremendously confident person if im honest and when I have something Im scared of losing it, and when i do thats again when these downers occur. People in all walks off life get downers but mind end up with me in a right state that can last for ages. Strange thing is that sometimes I feel better for no apparant reason, when i say better I dont feel as down, then I can think of things / person and it descends, its almost like I think of things to get me down, will the pills stabalise my moods? i dont know, I appreciate only life changes can actually make me happy again but what im hoping to achieve is some sort of fall back so that I can cope and try and avoid he feelings Ive had recently.

    No one apart from my mum knows where Im going tomorrow, my mum knows but we dont really talk that much about my feelings, my dad is \"old school\" never had this in my day attitude so i dont mention it, brother dont really get it, and my mates that did know i was on medication before think im over it now, i try my best to disguise my inner feelings, they always say, u dont need those bloody tablets so i keep it quiet. In a way i dont want people knowing my business, if i do decide i do need tablets to stabalise my mood swings and cope then i will keep it a secret, in fact whatever the outcome tomorrow I wont be disucussing it with anyone, well i will post on here but not to friends and family.

    take care, thanks so much for your posts, means alot.

    ja

  8. Hi ja

    From memory, I think it was about an hour - hour and a half. Like I say, he asked some pretty searching questions. Ultimately, though whilst he or she will have a basic template to work to, I guess it depends on how things are going, the answers you give and how much you want, or feel able to, expand on them and the rapport you feel you are developing with them.

    You have to feel comfortable to be able to relate your experience and feelings to this person, a stranger, albeit as you know, it is sometimes easier to talk about your feelings to a stranger than to friends or family.

    The old adage that people buy people is never more apposite than in these circumstances, I think.

    Like you, I'm not a particularly confident person and similarly, quite a private one. I developed coping strategies over the years and quite a successful \"armour\" that people didn't see through but I still baulked at the thought of people finding out what had happened to me.

    Ultimately, I just felt I had to be open and honest about things. This is what's happened to me. I didn't want it to but there it is. I know now I am fortunate with my friends and family and how supportive they have been - I thought my father was \"old school\" too but he has been brilliant. I guess what I am saying is that if you trust people, they may surprise you. It's hard, but even harder I think ,to try and cope with this without a friendly word or comforting hand on your shoulder.

    Take care mate. Sincerely, all the best for tomorrow. I'll have my fingers crossed for you!

    Best regards.

  9. Sorry Ja but ouch, giggle, oh my no way age thing - laughing and wanting to cry here now all at same time.

    I just loved your comment:

    Quote: 'as usual I was thinking about life, and what alot of my issue is that I think about and miss times when life was at its best, I pine for those times'.

    Ja, I'm not laughing at you but ouch! Where have those years gone? I blinked and my children grew up and became adults. The years they were children were the best years of my life, I had to be strong then, no matter what life threw at me - now when I open my eyes, they are adults and carefully watching over their mum as if I am some elderly person who needs watching over. :shock:

    What I would do to have those years back. Sad really because their very early years are the years i missed out on due to depression. :cry: :cry: :cry:

    My youngest must have been aged 7 when I finally escaped the grasp of depression - that bout lasted since she had been 3/4?

    Even today my mum will speak of the time she had them (due to my depression) and the fun she had with them and the milestones i missed out on :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

    Don't you miss out too.

    My babies grew up in how many blinks of an eye....

    Loving you more and more Ja by every post you make.

    Ever thought of an older woman lol :wink:

    Melbi x

  10. Oh Melbi and Stilman,

    Melbi, its uncanny when you say dont miss out on these years, well, the other week when this and happened, I had my kids on weds / thurs night I can hardly remember having them, i was so self indulged with my own problems that I never \"enjoyed\" them, and when I had them the week after it had seemed so long since I had seen them as i had sort of \"lost\" those 2 days. I know Im their dad and to be honest when it comes to my access to the kids I could have done alot worse than my ex wife, about the only positive I can say of her though, but I dont feel like Im their dad like I want to be, I accept that whats happened has happened but it still saddens me when I think of what i do miss out on., but i do understand that at their tender ages now they have time for me and want me where as when they are grown up they will have their own lives and 10 days a month may turn into 10 minutes a week and a chat on phone?

    Oh yeah, Melbi, just imagine Harry Hill with the ump, thats probably best how to describe me most of the time, me and any woman is sacry thought some times !! but thanks for your kind words.

    I went to see the CPN this morning, going to be 100% honest , I sort of felt slightly dissapointed when I left. Maybe I was hoping for too much, but I didnt feel deep down that I got across how I feel, i really tried. Yesterday and today I havent felt as down as I have done, flat but not gut wrenching down, teary etc. so maybe I may have come across as more \"normal\" than I am ??? I basically told him the last 2 years of my life, touched back a bit to when i 1st met ex, he did seem to be able to read me and my thoughts, but then you 2 do on here, anyway one area I wanted to address was alcohol. I didnt lie and told him how i drink, why and how much. He concluded that I am not dependant but abuse it , coupled with my depression they are fueling each other. Never once did he suggest AD's for me, he said that I should go and speak to an org called Windmill, at my local hospital, they deal with drink problems and would also deal with my depression, i said that i recognise i have a bad relationship with drink and i want to be able to \"enjoy\" a pint / wine on weekends and that is where i want to be, but i also want to sort out coping stratergies, and why i react like i do when problems arise, he said that these people will address this as well, I hope so, but he said i have to deal with both and not just 1 as i need to deal with both to help me.

    I came out dissapointed as i dont just want to focus on drink, i know I use it in a way thats wrong , i told him i drink approx 70 - 75 units a week, but the way i drink it is whats the issue. I guess I wanted a magic pill / chat , i knew that wouldnt be the case, i will get a letter very soon then i have to self refer. He did recognise the issues I have with my life, and picked up on what I said, it lasted just over an hour so you cant solve everything in that, blimey, i think about it constantly and i cant sort out my head, i sort of feel like i want to get started now, not in few weeks time, again its way I am. Yep im gonna have a beer tonight, listen to my music, god knows what i would do without you tube, you are gonna laugh now, when i listen to music, i remember good times i had with certain people, i even imagine imaginery situations, this always perks me up, Im not mad honest, but my music, even if its sad perks me up. I know that whatever comes of this its not going to solved in a few hours, may take a long time, but i really want to be able to deal with these issues and not ignore and suffer them.

    Sorry if I rambled on a bit, take care both of you.

    ja

  11. Hi Melbi and Stilman

    Melbi , hows the return to work going? hope you are are doing well, you too Stilman. Just updating whats been going on, dont seem to be suffering the deep downers but as flat as flat can be. I spoke to that Windmill org. today, its all to do with the drink it seems to me? i acknowledge that i need to reduce it but i do feel in control, honest i do. I will pursue it and see how it goes, im not that optimistic, i have been reading up on st johns walt quite a bit and am considering start taking it ? whats your knowledge or opinion of this? has anyone got experiences of this stuff ? im not as bad as i felt last week, but i would really like a boost, to feel happy? its my eldest bday next week and even that isnt boosting me, all goes back to the core issues i have. I rea a copy of the letter the CPN sent to my GP, in fairness he highlights areas where i need to address, im at work so i must shoot, take care

    ja

  12. Hi Ja

    Hope you had a good weekend with your children.

    I think St John's Wort has helped some people suffering from depression and also helped some people reduce their alcohol consumption. I've only ever known one person who took it during the winter as she suffered with the lack of daylight - she kept taking it even though I don't think it worked very well for her.

    You have to be very careful if taking it in conjunction with antidepressants, particularly SSRI's like Citalopram. In fact, they may be mutually exclusive i.e you can't take both at the same time. It increases the level of Serotonin in your system and can in extreme cases lead to Serotonin Syndrome.

    If you do start to take it, I suggest you ask a pharmacist and certainly mention it to your doctor if you decide to take a prescription AD again as you may then have to stop taking it for a while before starting an AD course. I think also there are a number of other drugs that it interacts with so again, mention you are taking it to a pharmicist if you are buying any over the counter drugs.

    Good luck with the Windmill thing. I know it's hard, but do try and keep an open mind about it. I guess that whatever anyone says, only you know whether your relationship with alcohol is healthy or not and if you think you need to change it. As I've said before, sometimes drink feels like your friend, sometimes it's your enemy. It's about you feeling in control of that area of your life.

    I have seen both sides and made my own peace with alcohol so no preaching from me. Just the sincere hope that you are able to do the same.

    Take care my friend

    Best regards.

  13. Stilman,

    Thank you my friend, Im going to get an appointment tomorrow afternoon if I can and talk to my gp. What u said about the alcohol, I tend to agree, I have \"enjoyed\" alcohol emmensely over the years, i admit to abuse in recent few years, to block out pain etc etc,like you say, its having that feeling of control.

    Anyway, late this afternoon at work I was on the net reading aboout depression and I stumbled upon an unbelievable site, I dont know if i can mention it on here but im going to, its called the Learning Path , I cant go into depth because its so long, but I have read alot of it now and wanted to share it with u guys and anyone else who has suffered depression. I dont want to go overboard about it but after reading what I have I really understand this depression so much better, it goes into enormous depth, thinking cycles, control, it goes on, I can give anyone the link if im allowed, Melbi , Stilman, have you ever read this? if so what did u think? I read it and I was shocked as to how common my thinking is, it was like reading my mind and body, I havent finished it yet, Im going to amd read it again, digest and then fight it. Please read it if u can, so much of what is posted on here by us is covered, one thing i must try and do is exert calmness, anyway , I wanted to share it with u guys on here so you may be able to draw something for it, take care and thanks for your posts, they mean alot

    ja

  14. Hi Ja

    I've not read or seen this before. I had a quick look at the website today and it looks fairly detailed so I'll try and spend some time reading it over the next week. Thanks for passing on the information!

    Unfortunately, my concentration and attention span these days is not what it once was and it takes me ages to read and re read stuff!! :roll: :oops: Can you believe that I used to be able to read almost any document, however long, just once or twice and then precis it down to a one-page summary? Seems like a different person in a different life now.

    Anyway, hope you've had a good day and were able to get the appointment you wanted. Stay strong and keep believing. Melbi, hope you're doing ok back at work and that bout of 'flu is out of your system now.

    I'll be the first one to say it - soon be Christmas eh! :lol: :lol: :lol: :xmastree:

    Take care my friends.

    Best regards.

  15. Hey Stilman,

    Had a few ciders tonight mate, but what the feck?? have to admit that the mood had severely levelled off past few days, no despair, just emmense flatness, Melbi, hope you are progressing well, been quiet on the western front ! Stilman, i banged on bout this learning path yet last 2 days havent brough myself to even look at it??? Im an angry young man, so much built up resentment in me, yet i never let go, never hurt a fly, i just take it and regress, do the decent thing as i say , scared to upset the apple cart. Im waffling arent i? Dreams are so intense lately, i even hd kip in car in lunch hour and dreamed, thats why im waking up so tired, read the learnng path , anyway, im off to bed now, work in morning, how lovely eh?? work to keep that thing eh???? lifes sh*t !!!

    night night ja

  16. Hi Ja & Stiltman

    All is not too bad here thanks on the depression front. Still holding my own as they say :shock:

    Ja, I don't want to grind you down anymore than you already are hun, but can I ask what you will be doing at Christmas? :idea:

    I left my hubby 18 months ago but he came and spent Christmas with us last yr and is doing the same again this year.

    I'm just wondering if you have thought about it, how you are going to cope with it and is there any coping methods you have in place for what is suppose to be a happy period, but quite often leaves so many people suffering depression.

    Melbi x

  17. Hi Melbi,

    Nice to hear from you, glad you are holding up well, thats good. My plans for xmas ? well im picking up my kids xmas lunchtime and dropping them off boxing day morning, rest, not alot planned? No i dont have any coping methods, im working over xmas period in between, new years eve? no plans at mo, if im honest i just wish jan 2nd would be here now, cant lie. I have been really into this learning path lately, must stop looking back and holding onto past, not bout being with ex, god , hell no, cant think of anything more awful than spending time with her.

    Have to admit I used to love xmas, xmas eve was always my fav, finish work early, meet my mates for a few pints, then home, put kids to bed and basically get in the mood for big day. Whats so fustrating is that i dont have eternal doom for the future, far from it? if I had my own place, and my life more settled and of course other things in place im sure id be happy again. Its the uncertainty thats the killer, I never yearn for my past \"life\" what i yearn for is an end to uncertainty, hope im making sense.

    Thats why I dont consider myself a lost cause, i need a few alterations, ok big ones !! and my life would be rolling again, right now im ok about it, other times it sends my spiralling, fine balancing act my moods my dear.

    Blimey, you only asked about xmas and im going on. Im supposed to be going to a comedy club tonight, that rare thing may happen and i might actually smile??? im not that grumpy, well???

    Tomo, depending on how tonight goes, im planning to join the gym, if not then next week for sure.

    Melbi, in your experience have you got any coping methods, just intereste really?

    I must go, got work to do, then im off in town to get my dads bday pressie, take care my friends.

    ja

  18. Hi Ja

    Mmmm coping methods :shock:

    Usually to try and keep busy, keep on the go all the time but that isn't, in the long run, any good for the body or the mind.

    Alcohol :shock: not recommended but yes I have used it as a coping method.

    I wish I could offer you better methods and if you ever find any do please share them with me.

    Melbi xxx

  19. Hey Melbi,

    Well well well, well i started on st johns wart today, been to gym 2 days on trot, when i leave i feel great, pumped, adrenalin etc but the underlying demons remain my friend.

    My ex is causing me stress again, im not gonna bore with details, i just wish she could leave me alone , financially being THE crux, how 1 person even after divorce can cause so much pain is beyond me. 14 months now and the mental torture continues, tomo i know confrontation beckons, again her doing, all i want is freedom from her, i feel like pls, why cant we end this hell, u go your way me mine? i have zero feelings, and i mean that whole heartedly, i just want her having no effect on me.

    Im so mentally tired of my life, tired of stress, strain, worry, its every day, minute, second, i always do the right thing by people, i dont deserve this, really. Im wallowing now, but why this hand? i work every day, never sh*t on anyone, treat people well, polite, kind , thoughtfull , yet all i get is pure sh*t on my plate.

    I love my kids to give in , but i seriously understand how life becomes too much, why fight? for another day of sh*t? Oh Melbi / stilman , i know that people say that life will get better but when? mine just descends , i wont give in no matter what, she will never see me rock bottom but its hard fighting on , so f ing hard , but life is precious, and f*ck me she wont take mine my friends.

    take care ja

  20. hey itsja, I totally understand how you feel but you cannot think this way it makes people feel even worse. I've also had one traumatic event after another and life doesn't get any easier, but gradually you accept that things do go wrong, you develop as a person, you grow stronger and learn from your experiences and can sometimes have the pleasure of helping other people go through one of these events and get through the other side, just because you can relate to these experiences. I have often felt the same..its internal victimisation..why me? what have i done thats so terrible to deserve all of this? Do you want the simple answer? probably nothing! some people get it hard, have bad things happen to them all the way through their lives and some people just get it easy. The people we are jealous of, maybe you know friends like this, that always seem happy, everything is always great for them but never you. However, its how you deal with these events that makes you a better person and develops you into a balanced, kind and caring person. Maybe these other happier people have better understanding, maybe they have better coping methods than you, maybe they take things with a more positive outlook, maybe they do have problems as well but can let them go easier than we can. Don't ever feel like things are your fault or that you are the cause of them because if you thought this about everything ever in the world then how can that help anyone? Of course you are going to feel like sh*t! Shhhmilllee, chin up and do something you enjoy maybe? i find that this works! listen to your favourite song, eat your favourite food, call your best friend, go for a walk, have a bath, watch your favourite film relax, have a cigarette, have sex, have a wank haha do anything, just do something that makes you happy, that sets the pleasure centres in your brain going and lifts your mood for a while. Trust me it works for a while or maybe write everything down how sh*t you are feeling, either into a letter or a poem or sit and jot down two columns all the negative things that have happened that day or that are bothering you and then the positive, what made you happy, or what you achieved that day ie. even something as simple as that little conversation that you enjoyed with your kids or being able to concentrate on a film or something for an hr, any nice comment you've received that day maybe you'll realise the things that are bothering you are stupid and not as big as you think or write them with your left hand or whatever hand you don't write with and it is frsutrating but when you do it you have got over your negative emotions and have a sense of achievement by writing a page with your opposite hand and it keeps you focused and distracted for an hour so by the time you've finished those things seem daft or those thoughts/feelings/emotions have gone and you are calm...just a few suggestions hope you are okay..abby xx

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